Adjustment Periods: The audio drama script
by Andi Mack
Summary: Otacon's audio journals leading up to and following the death of Snake. A retelling of my original story! !Complete!
1. This Boy

A/N: The world may sadly never get to see Adjustment Periods, the audio drama BUT I did want to share the script (with the voice actor's notes) that was supposed to make that happen. I hate to call it a remake so this is a _reimagining_ of my original story, "Adjustment Periods", that I wrote two years or so ago. A lot of the scenes are different but the overall arch and outcome plays out the same. The biggest difference is the exclusion of Otacon's backstory with his mother and all that jazz. That whole bit just made the story feel like it had emotional excess, like it was trying too hard. The events leading up to Snake's death are also different and he's in it even less if you can believe that. Hope you guys enjoy it! Feel free to review it. I don't mind, honestly. :)

**IMPORTANT:** **Everything after "Entry" will be Otacon talking into the tape recorder. Everything after "Scene" will be a real-time insert of the event he's talking about.**

* * *

ENTRY

OTACON: April 8th 2014, 10:25pm. Mei Ling suggested that I start keeping an audio journal for myself, at least until the first draft of Snake's...uh, Dave's story is done. She said hearing myself talk out ideas could help the writing process. I think her suggesting this just means she's getting sick of listening to me. I honestly don't have anyone else to talk to, though. I wouldn't dream of burdening a child or a dying man with all of my woes. So...I guess I'll give this a try.

I've actually never kept a journal of any kind before. I've never had a need to remember or record anything that's happened in my life. In fact, most of my life has been a series of events I've been trying to forget...and the next couple of months aren't going to be very different.

About a week ago, I began asking Dave about his missions with FOXHOUND, pre-Shadow Moses incident. He's been surprisingly cooperative but that's far from good news to me. It means he's getting too weak to feel like giving me a hard time about this. Three years ago, this book couldn't have ever happened. He was a machine...a perpetual motion machine. Every tidbit we got about a new Metal Gear unit, we followed it, no matter where it lead us. We went weeks, months even without stopping or slowing down. Dave loved it that way, though. He said doing nothing gave him too much time to think about things he didn't want to think about.

_(he chuckles a bit)_

I guess Dave's never been much of a philosopher...

Over the last several months though, it's like his body's morphed into someone else's-someone twice his actual age. We've seen doctors and talked to medical experts all over the world and the only diagnosis any of them could give us was Werner's but it didn't make sense for someone like him-not with his genetics. I think we both knew that but we didn't have anything else to blame at the time. When we were finally able to track down Naomi Hunter, she told us that it wasn't a genetic anomaly causing his accelerated aging. He was created by our government to have a short life span in order to take everything he's seen and done to the grave with him. I think that's when it hit me that the truth about all of Dave's work over the years with FOXHOUND and Philanthropy was soon only going to belong to me.

It may not matter much to him...but I don't want the world to remember him as the enemy-as some kind of rogue mercenary working against humanity. The right story needs to be told so that his name doesn't end up on all the wrong pages of the history books. This world owes him at least that much...

Sunny is starting to ask questions about what I've been writing and why I'm writing it. She knows Dave is sick but she's waiting on him to eventually get better and that's my fault. I haven't been telling her everything-I'm not sure how to. I need to sit her down and ready her for what's going to happen to him.

She cares about him a lot and her whole little world is going to shift in a couple of months.

I know what that feeling's like. My world tends to shift a lot.


	2. Monsters

ENTRY

OTACON: April 11th 2014, 11:13pm. Sunny sat in on my session with Dave yesterday. We went over his time in Zanzibarland fifteen years ago.

After the session was over, she just looked at him. I couldn't tell what she was thinking but luckily I didn't have to wait too long to find out...

SCENE

SUNNY: How many people have you killed?

ENTRY

OTACON: I wanted to say something to her but I had suddenly forgotten how to speak. Of course he didn't seem fazed at all by the question but I didn't think he was going to answer it either.

SCENE

SNAKE: A lot, Sunny.

SUNNY: Did you like doing it?

SNAKE:(beat) Sometimes. Sometimes I didn't. Either way, it still makes me a monster.

SUNNY: But you're a hero! You only killed the bad guys, right?

SNAKE: It wasn't always that simple.

SUNNY: Oh...(beat)I still don't think you're a monster, Dave.

ENTRY

OTACON: Dave was pretty quiet for the rest of the day. He will always think of himself as a monster-Sunny can't change that. But now he knows there's someone that'll always think he's wrong and that definitely changed something in him. I know it did.


	3. Lost in the Supermarket

ENTRY

OTACON: April 20th 2014, 11:02pm. For the last week or so, things have been surprisingly calm for the first time in a while. Dave's not getting any better, of course, but he's not getting any worse right now. It's a minor victory...but I take victories any way I can these days.

Sunny and I went to the supermarket earlier. Normally, I wouldn't journal about buying groceries but this trip was...enlightening to say the least.

Today is Easter...but I failed to remember that when I decided we needed coffee and a few other little things. It was way too crowded in the store. I started out okay...but when I turned down one of the isles, I got incredibly claustrophobic and had to duck into the first unpopulated spot I could find which happened to the cereal section. Sunny loves this aisle even though she never gets what she wants off of it. Like she normally does, she started holding up the boxes that appealed to her the most for my approval and like I normally do, I turned down all of them. They all have brightly colored cartoon mascots on the front which always means it's got enough sugar in it to put her into a diabetic coma. She knows what's in that stuff even better than I do but it never seems to matter to her.

After I had regrouped, I decided I would come back for anything I didn't have and just pay for what was in the cart. I glanced back at Sunny when we were a person away from the checkout. She was pouting...like a child. I can't believe it's taken me so long to realize this but she is a child. She's an eight-year-old girl but it's so easy to forget that when you know the extraordinary things she can create and program.

The massive line that had formed behind us must have thought I was crazy when I got out of it. I took Sunny back down the cereal aisle and let her pick out every sugary, teeth-rotting, growth-stunting thing she wanted to. It's impossible for her to be normal with everything she's seen and knows...but if there's anything I can do to make her feel like a kid, I'll do it. I'm going to tell Dave tomorrow that I don't want Sunny sitting in on anymore of our sessions-it may be in vain but it's my job to protect her and she doesn't need to hear any of that stuff. The only thing I want her to worry about is whether she's going to have the Count Chocolaty Combs or the Pop Rock Candy Mountain Crunch in the morning for breakfast. I'll worry about what we're going to do with the twelve boxes we left the store with.


	4. Terra Incognita

ENTRY

OTACON: May 1st 2014, 12:18am. Dave talked about Meryl during our session today. It wouldn't be such a big deal but he never talks about her unless he needs to and there really wasn't a need to bring her up. He still didn't go into detail about why they went their separate ways but as he talked, he seemed to have some regrets about his relationship with her. Like there were things he should have told her but didn't...maybe even things he'd still like to say to her now. I don't know. I could be reading way too much this. Maybe he just got bored of talking about his time in the Green Berets and wanted to change the subject.

After the session, I walked to Serenity's to see if Chloe was working. She wasn't. Serenity's is one of those art school coffee houses that I know I have no business being in. There's always music blaring but I never know who the bands are, there's furniture instead of chairs and tables, and they overcharge for coffee that is mediocre at best. But it's the only place in New York that I get to see Chloe so I deal with it...

For three weeks, I've been trying to get up the nerve to have an actual conversation with her...something that goes a little deeper than what kind of coffee I want and what the weather is like. She's got the most radiant sepia-toned skin I've ever seen...and these deep, dark brown eyes that I get drawn into everytime I look at her. She's always really nice to me but I doubt she notices me the way I notice her. She's definitely a little younger than me-probably around twenty-three or twenty-four. I doubt she's interested in socially-awkward anime geeks in their mid-thirties.

_(beat)_

I really hope I don't creep her out.


	5. Bigger Hole to Fill

ENTRY

OTACON: May 5th 2014, 10:26pm. I haven't seen very much of Sunny or Dave in the last couple of days. He suddenly took a turn for the worse and Sunny's barely left his side since. I'm a coward so I've been doing everything possible to avoid seeing him-like locking myself away all day to organize the information I've gotten from him so far. Sunny thinks I care about the book more than him so I'm currently being given the silent treatment by an eight year old.

_(sighs)_

She has every right to be upset with me. They both do.

I feel really alone right now...


	6. What's My Age Again?

ENTRY

OTACON: May 7th 2014, 9:04pm. Dave's still sick and Sunny's still not talking to me. I had to leave the house today. The only place I could think to go was Serenity's. It seemed appropriate enough.

When I walked in, Chloe was sitting on one of the sofas with a text book in front of her. When she looked up and saw me, she smiled.

SCENE

CHLOE: Hal, right?

OTACON: Uh...yeah...

CHLOE: Are you surprised I know your name?

OTACON: A little. I can't remember you ever asking me for it.

CHLOE: I didn't. I looked at your driver's license when you were paying for your order one day. It's a habit. I'm sorry.

OTACON: No, it's okay. That's pretty clever.

CHLOE: Thanks. Most people wouldn't think so. I'm Chloe, by the way.

OTACON: (a little nervous) Yeah I know, actually. So, uh...are you on break or something?

CHLOE: No. I'm off today but I can't seem to keep away from this place. My roommate's throwing a big party at the apartment and the campus library is closed so... here I am!

OTACON: Oh. I don't want to bother you if you're studying...

CHLOE: I was just finishing up. Were you about to get coffee?

OTACON: Yeah.

CHLOE: Well, I'm about to grab another frappe. If you're not in a rush or anything, maybe we could enjoy our coffee together.

OTACON: I'd like that a lot.

ENTRY

OTACON: Not only is Chloe Russell beautiful...she is intelligent, caring and funny to boot. She attends college in Purchase, New York where she majors in psychology. She took up journalism her first year but became interested in treating depression in teens and children when her younger sister committed suicide at the age of fourteen. When she graduates, she wants to provide free therapy for low-income families. I've never met anyone like her before. She's only twenty-four but she's not lost like I was at that age...or still am. She knows exactly where she's going and what she's going to do when she gets there-no uncertainty, no hesitations. She made me promise that we'd get coffee again next week and then she gave me her email address. I can't wait to see her again.


	7. Sister, Do You Know My Name?

ENTRY

OTACON: May 10th 2014, 8:37pm. I found a box of pictures today that I thought was in the attic. They were of Emma and I...from when we were younger.

We took so many pictures that I don't even remember some of them. We wanted so much to be a family...and for both of us, being a family meant having a lot of photos. All the families on TV always had framed pictures sitting on a shelf above the fireplace so that's what we did. I'd drop off least one roll of film at the one-hour photo every day before school and pick it up before I went back home. I'd get to end my day with my sister, looking at dozens of pictures of us being silly and happy...being kids. Those are probably are the best memories I have...

I didn't even hear Sunny come into my room as I was going through the photos. I don't even know how long she was watching me before she said something.

SCENE

SUNNY: Uncle Hal?

OTACON:(a little startled) Oh. Yes, Sunny?

SUNNY: Are those pictures of you and your sister?

OTACON: Yeah, they are.

SUNNY: She's really pretty.

OTACON: She was. And I think Emma would have thought the same of you.

SUNNY: You don't talk about her a lot.

OTACON: (a bit ashamed) I know I don't. When I think or talk about Emma, it makes me really sad.

ENTRY

OTACON: She sat down next to me. We both looked through the pictures in silence. After a moment, she paused and looked up at me.

SCENE

SUNNY: (composed but sad) Dave is going to die, isn't he?

OTACON: (quietly; slowly) Yes. Dave is...Dave is going to die. (beat; crying) Shit!

Otacon continues to sob for a couple of moments.

SUNNY: It's okay, Uncle Hal.

ENTRY

OTACON: Sunny put her arm around me and her head on my shoulder. She stayed there with me until I calmed down. How is she so much more prepared for this than I am?

I'm starting to think that Sunny doesn't need me as much I thought. Not nearly as much as I need her, anyway.


	8. Knife Going In

ENTRY

OTACON: May 15, 2014, 11:24pm. Dave collapsed yesterday...at least that's what we think. He doesn't remember anything and Sunny and I weren't actually here when it happened. When we got back from Serenity's, Sunny went to check on him. A few moments later, she screamed for me from his room. When I got there, she was on the floor next to his body, shaking him and pleading for him to wake up. I couldn't move. He was so lifeless...I honestly thought he was gone. Just like that, without the chance to say goodbye. Sunny became hysterical when he wouldn't get up. I finally came to my senses enough to check his pulse. It was slowed but it was there-I hadn't lost him yet. I tried to tell Sunny that he was going to be okay but she didn't accept that until Dave slowly opened his eyes. He didn't know where he was for a few moments...he even looked at me and Sunny like he didn't recognize us at first. But he eventually came around.

He's been stable and lucid since then but his body's shutting down and no amount of pretending is slowing down the process.

I'm not ready for this. God, I'm just not ready for this...


	9. Modern Romance

ENTRY

OTACON: May 30th 2014, 4:26am. At least I think it's May 30th... My days haven't been ending lately...just consistently beginning. For the last two weeks, I've been sleeping about forty-five minutes a night. Not because I want to, of course...I just can't shut out the things around me enough to go to sleep. And I can hear everything-I swear I can hear the electronic hum of this voice recorder as I talk into it!

Last night, or what I'm perceiving as last night at the moment, I went to see Chloe at Serenity's. I probably shouldn't have but my mind was racing and I wanted to apologize in person for not having coffee with her again like I was supposed to. When I got there, they were about to close. Chloe was with a blond guy around her age, drinking coffee with him, laughing at whatever he was saying. Just as I was about to leave, she saw me and excused herself from their conversation to open the door.

SCENE

CHLOE: Hal! Where have you been? You just disappeared on me.

OTACON: I know. That's why I came by. I'm sorry I never emailed you, Chloe. There's just...a lot of stuff going on right now.

CHLOE: It's okay, I understand. Why don't you come in for a moment?

OTACON: No. I shouldn't. You're with someone and I need to get back home. I just wanted to tell you how sorry I was...

CHLOE: Stop apologizing. Todd and I was going over a project for school that we're working on together. He was just about to leave.

ENTRY

OTACON: Before I could say anything else, she took my hand and pulled me inside the shop. Once Todd left, she locked the entrance and fixed us both drinks...I just don't remember what they were anymore. I didn't look at her when she sat next to me. I couldn't...not when I felt the dam behind my eyes breaking.

SCENE

CHLOE: If you need to talk about anything, I'm here to listen.

OTACON: There's really nothing to say.

CHLOE: Yes there is. You have the saddest eyes I've ever seen, Hal Emmerich. That's the real reason I wanted to know your name. I had to know who they belonged to.

ENTRY

OTACON: She took my hand in hers again. For whatever reason, this released everything. I told her about Dave and how terrified I was becoming of watching him die. I told her how I wasn't sure anymore if I was taking care of Sunny or if she was taking care of me. I even told her about my sister and how much I still relieved the day she died in my arms, even five years later. Nothing came out coherently or in the right order but she listened to me anyway. When I finished, she wiped her hands across my face. I hadn't even realized I was crying in front of her.

SCENE

CHLOE: I wish there was something I could say or do to fix everything, Hal. I can't imagine what you're going through.

OTACON

It's okay. Thanks for listening to me. I really should go, though.

ENTRY

OTACON: She walked me to the door and suddenly embraced me like she hated the idea of ever letting go. When she finally did, I felt myself hook into her eyes again. I wasn't sure if she was moving closer to my face or if I was moving closer to hers but eventually, they met. Her lips instantly atomized my entire existence. That's the only way to describe it. Even after it was over, my surroundings didn't refocus for several seconds. It was like being kissed by a power line.

That's been replaying in my head ever since. Not so much the kiss as feelings from it. Even if I wanted to stop it from looping, I don't think I know how to...


	10. Dark Come Soon

ENTRY

OTACON: June 10th 2014, 12:08am. Today was the first day I felt comfortable enough to begin my sessions with Dave again. I have just about everything I need from him...just tying up loose ends.

I took my first good look at him in months while he was sitting across from me. He's lost weight. Not a lot but enough for me to notice, the person's who's been measuring and fitting his mission attire for nine years. His breathing is also a bit slower. A doctor probably wouldn't worry about it but I do. I know how his lungs are supposed to react to everything. I've pumped water and smoke out of them and rushed air back into them. I've heard them stop. Twice.

SCENE

SNAKE: What are you going to do with all this stuff?

OTACON: I told you...it's going to be a book about your life and your work. The true story.

SNAKE: No one's going to publish it, Hal.

OTACON: It really doesn't matter. There's still the Internet and it'll publish anything. It'll find its way to the masses.

SNAKE: It won't really make a difference what people think about me when I'm dead.

OTACON: I knew you'd say something like that. It'll matter to me and it'll matter to Sunny. So maybe this book isn't actually for you after all.

SNAKE: Don't spend the rest of your life doing this-trying to correct people's opinions of us and what we did. I've been that person before. It's not worth it.

OTACON: Well it's worth it to me so I'm going to see it through.

SNAKE _(beat)_ Are you really this much of an idiot, Hal? Why are you sticking around for this?

OTACON: What?

SNAKE: I don't have long. We both know that. There's no cure, there's no miracle waiting to happen. Take Sunny and get out of here.

OTACON: So you can die like some stray dog? What kind of person do you think I am? No. That wasn't our agreement.

SNAKE: Forget the agreement. Have you looked in a mirror lately, Hal? You look like shit. I agreed to let you and Sunny stay here because I didn't think you'd let this get to you.

OTACON: You didn't think I'd be a little upset that you're dying...especially like this? I'll be fine. Somehow, I always am. But I don't think this is about me at all, Dave. I think this is about you wanting some death you think is suitable for the way you've lived your life: alone with no one to care when you've taken your final breath. If I'm wrong and you truly want to die in solitude, I'll honor that and Sunny and I will leave. But if want that because you think that's the way you deserve to die, I won't let you do that.

ENTRY

OTACON: He didn't say anything after that. He got up and walked back to his room. I think that means I won. For now anyway. He was right about one thing, though...he doesn't have long. A couple of weeks, maybe a month. I could be overestimating for my own sake and sanity. Everything's starting to spin way too fast.


	11. No One Writes Songs About Alaska

ENTRY

OTACON: June 14th 2014, 2:15am. Dave wants to spend his final days in Alaska. I told him that even flying, the trip would wreak havoc on his body right now, possibly kill him even faster. I would've have gotten a better response talking to a brick wall. So, we're going to Alaska.

Dave's had his cabin in Barrow since I've known him. In the past, when we'd have down time, he'd go there to check on things and recharge. A handful of times, I made the trip with him but I'm not cut out for that climate...or the eighty-five straight days of sunlight they get each year.

Sunny doesn't want to leave New York. She's barely been leaving the house after that scare we had with Dave collapsing. She's been to Alaska a few times and she likes it but I think she knows we'll be coming back without him. I don't know what to tell her. She's not wrong or imagining things. Maybe she can talk to Mei Ling. She always seems to know what to say in situations like these...

_(sighing)_

I really need to try and sleep...


	12. Snakes and Martyrs

ENTRY

OTACON: June 21st 2014. It's...I actually don't know what time it is. Dave doesn't have a clock in his room. It's gotta be really early, though. Around two in the morning. Dave's asleep. He's been pretty out of it since we arrived in Alaska last week. I brought everything for the book with me but all I can do is sit next to him and check his pulse every few moments.

When I told Dave I'd be with him until the end, I never actually thought about what the end would look like. It was this shapeless, almost abstract event that I knew had to happen eventually...I just never had an image of it. Even when I'd talk to Mei Ling before missions about taking care of Sunny if anything happened to us, it was just part of the prep. The idea of our mortality wasn't behind it at all. Well, not his mortality anyway.

When I met Dave on Shadow Moses, I almost didn't think he was human. We had known each other a whole hour before he single-handedly took out a Hind D without so much as blinking. For years, I couldn't figure out whether he was reckless or just suicidal because there is a difference. After learning about FOXDIE's effects, it was like he felt his fate pushing him...so he pushed back and purposely took these missions where his survival rate dropped into the negatives. It was scarier than Hell but seeing him constantly do this and live to tell about it eroded even my fears of him dying from anything.

Even after we realized what was happening to him-the arthritis, the wrinkling of his skin, the graying of his hair, the hardening of his arteries-I always talked about it like it was a cold that would just go away. He was a forty year old man who was aging like he was seventy and I never considered death an outcome. That's how wrapped up I was in my own damn delusions.

But what I'm seeing now...this is real. I'm helplessly watching him slip away.

_(beat; choking up)_

Where are my delusions when I need them?


	13. Let Go

ENTRY

OTACON: June 27th 2014, 11:28pm. Dave died three days ago. Sunny and I were with him. He woke up for a few hours and was talking to us but his eyes were vacant and he wasn't making any sense. When he drifted back to sleep, I told Sunny to say her goodbyes and...

_(begins to sob)_

she kissed him on the cheek and told him to rest. I'm really trying to be happy that he died like this-without bullets whizzing past him or the fate of the world on his shoulders but all I can think is no one cares. No one fucking cares!

_(sobbing beat)_

Everything he did...everyone he fought for...they don't care. He'll never be more than just his codename to them. Their days will just go on...and they'll never even wonder what happened to him.

_(sobbing beat...)_

I can't do this right now.


	14. Bury Me With It

ENTRY

OTACON: July 5th 2014, 1:10am. Sunny and I are back in New York. Finally. God...the last couple of weeks have been a complete blur. Things have been coming back to me in pieces but I'm starting to have trouble telling the difference between what really happened and what's coming from my imagination.

I couldn't get my head together enough to call everyone and tell them the news so it ended up being Sunny's responsibility. Luckily, I had been thinking enough before everything spiraled to already have the necessary strings pulled for Dave's burial. So, from Alaska, we flew to Fall River, Massachusetts to lay him to rest with The Boss, EVA, and Big Boss.

Mei Ling was already there when we showed up. She put flowers on his grave but...I can only see the stems. I can't even remember what color they were. She kept asking if I was okay-everyone eventually asked me at least once. The more I told them yes, the more I felt they'd know I was lying. I guess I still look like shit.

Sunny spent most of our time there with Jack, Rosemary, and their son. As soon as she saw him, she clung to Jack and cried in his arms while he comforted her. I had a moment where I let that snapshot make me question if it was selfish to make Sunny continue to stay with me. With them, she could have a family. Maybe not a perfect one but it's gotta be better than what she has here with me. I can't offer her guidance if I don't know where the hell I'm going myself. I can't give her structure if I'm falling apart. It's not fair. She shouldn't have to suffer through life because of me.

There were words said about him. Campbell told a few stories that made me wish I could see Dave's reaction to them. And Meryl...she said some things that made me realize she also had regrets about what she never got to tell him. More than anything, I wish he could have heard that...

After Johnny spoke, It felt like everyone turned and looked at me. I had spent the most time with him-lived and worked with him for nearly a decade. Surely I had something to contribute to the memories and stories that were being shared.

I had plenty of both. We hadn't spent every moment of our days destroying Metal Gears. We'd had off-time. We had traveled the world, had long conversations about absolutely nothing, played practical jokes on each other. But I didn't want any of that to belong to them so I didn't say anything.

We've been back in New York for several days and it's just now starting to set in that Sunny and I are the only ones here. I don't know what to do about his room. Do I pack his things up or leave them in there because it's easier? I tried to go in there earlier but I didn't get past the doorway. It's way too heavy still. I guess I'll try again in a few days.


	15. You Can Do Better Than Me

ENTRY

_(Knocking and a door opening.)_

OTACON: Sunny, I need to talk to you, okay?

SUNNY:_(waking up) _Uncle Hal...?

OTACON: I spoke with Jack and he said you should live her with him and Rose.

SUNNY: What? When?

OTACON: _(sadly) _I know you're leaving, Sunny. Everyone always leaves me.

SUNNY: I'm not going anywhere.

OTACON: Rose is going to let you get breakfast first. So, you should get dressed.

SUNNY: But it's three in the morning. Why are they coming to get me?

OTACON: I just want you to be happy and you'll be happy with them.

SUNNY: You don't want me living here anymore?

OTACON: I think Rose is outside. _(chuckles lightly) _Dave doesn't want to let her in.

SUNNY: I think you're dreaming, Uncle Hal. Wake up!

OTACON: Can I get a hug before you go? Please?

_(He begins to sob lightly.) _

SUNNY: Don't cry. I'm not going anywhere. Hey...is this your voice recorder? Why do you have this with you? Let me have it so I can turn it off, okay?


	16. A Bad Dream

ENTRY

OTACON: July 7th 2014, 1:39am. Dave was right. I am an idiot.

A few nights ago, my depression and lack of sleep finally accumulated enough for me to sleepwalk into Sunny's room and tell her that Jack and Rose were coming to get her. As if that wasn't charming enough, I managed to pick up the voice recorder along the way and capture the audio of the whole event. I've listened to it and...I'm happy I don't remember any of it. I've explained to her that I didn't mean anything I said but she still thinks I want to get rid of her now.

I can't do this to myself or her anymore. I've gotta snap out of this...


	17. No Sleep Til Brooklyn

ENTRY

OTACON: July 21st 2014, 10:18pm. After Sunny physically dragged me to a mirror to look at myself, I realized Dave was right about something else: I didlook like shit. I finally called Rose and asked her to write me a prescription for something to help me sleep.

SCENE

ROSE: Well, Hal, I can't actually write you anything. I'm not licensed to. I know someone who could but...

OTACON: But what?

ROSE: The last time I saw you was at the burial and you looked completely out of it._(sincerely but hesitantly)_ I really want to help you out but I don't want you to use them to...

OTACON _(interrupting; getting it) _Rose. Dave owned at least forty different kinds of guns and countless knives. If I were ever going to sank that low, I wouldn't need sleeping pills.

ENTRY

OTACON: After a few nights of actual sleep, I listened over some of my recordings from the last two months. I honestly don't know how I was able to function like that-not that I was functioning very efficiently but I was operating a car on nine hours of sleep a week. Sunny was with me most of the time... If anything would have happened to her because of me, I..._(pause)_

I don't even want to think about it.

It turns out sleep deprivation doesn't necessarily help when you're writing a book. I read what's done of my first draft so far and it's so disjointed and unintelligible that I may have to scrap the whole thing and start over. A second first draft. I hope that's not the case but I'll figure it all in the next couple of days as my sleep patterns return back to normal.

It seems worth mentioning that I finally remember the flowers Mei Ling put on Dave's grave at the burial. Probably not that big a deal in the grand scheme of things but I'm happy little details are starting to come back to me. They were lilies. Red.


	18. Sunny Came Home

ENTRY

OTACON: August 10th 2014, 6:22pm. There's really no way to make things right with someone when they think you're trying to throw them away. Especially when they're eight and you're the only thing they've got. I now know from personal experience that there's not enough ice cream, hugs, or 'I'm sorrys' in the world to fix that. So I had to get creative.

Sunny loves Zellie's, the pizzeria a few blocks from us. We'd order dinner from there when Dave was at his worse and I didn't feel comfortable going too far from home. I quietly got a pizza with her favorite toppings delivered and called her into the dining room.

SCENE

SUNNY: _(slowly) _Uncle Hal...what's this?

OTACON: It's dinner, Sunny. Sit down.

SUNNY: There are mushrooms on this. You hate mushrooms.

OTACON: I know. I can pick them off.

_(She sits down.)_

OTACON (CONT'D): The last couple of months haven't been easy on either of us. They've been downright Hell and my behavior after Dave's death isn't anything I'm proud of. I never talked to Rose and Jack about sending you to live with them...but it was something I thought about a lot and seriously considered. It wasn't because I wanted to get rid of you, though...I wanted you to get rid of me.

SUNNY: I would never do that.

OTACON: I know and under normal circumstances, I wouldn't have ever thought that way but I was just so sad and angry after Dave died that I stopped liking myself for a while. And when that happens, you don't think anyone else should like you either.

SUNNY: _(sympathetically)_ I'm sorry, Uncle Hal.

OTACON: No, I'm apologizing to you, Sunny. You're the only reason I'm getting through this. I never meant to say anything to you to make you feel unwanted.

SUNNY: I understand. I know you didn't mean it.

OTACON: I want to propose something to you. I've been thinking about it a while and we don't have to do it but if want to, it won't take very long. How do you feel about me adopting you...officially?

ENTRY

OTACON: The adoption went through quicker than either of us expected since I was already her legal guardian. It doesn't change anything on the surface. She still calls me 'Uncle Hal' and her surname is still Gurlukovich though I did have the option to make it Emmerich. It's the only part of her mother, Olga, she has and I didn't want her to lose that.

The one and most important thing adopting Sunny did was assure her that I wanted her in my life, no matter what happens in the future. You know, I think this is the first real adult decision I've ever made...and now I can't figure out why I didn't make it sooner.


	19. The Best is Yet to Come

ENTRY

OTACON: August 22nd 2014, 9:39pm. The book was salvageable. It took several days of major edits but I was able to finish it without completely starting over. Sadly, I'm still not quite a writer. Nastasha offered to read over it when I was done so I sent that to her this morning. I hope she's gentle with her critiques...

I do wish Dave could have read it. I think he would have liked it...but he wouldn't have ever actually admitted to it. He probably would have said something like, "I've certainly read worse" or "It's a good thing you're not trying to make money from this". But he would have given me that pat on my shoulder that I learned over the years was the highest form of approval he offered. I honestly wouldn't have wanted him to react any other way.

Chloe forwarded me an online article about the adjustment periods that follow the death of someone close to you. I know she was just trying to help but I'll never adjust to Dave not being here. You "adjust" to seeing someone with a new hair color...you "adjust" to the changes of the season. Adjustment is acceptance in a way and I don't feel I'll ever be okay or alright that he's gone. It wasn't fair what he had to go through or how he had to die and that'll always haunt me. I'll force myself to live with it because I have no choice and that's what Dave would have wanted me to do. And if I were ever unsure about him wanting that, he took the time to put it in writing for me.

Before Sunny and I left Alaska, I found a note in Dave's room addressed to me. It was too hard to read right then and with everything that happened after that, I forgot about it entirely until a few days ago.

_(He gets the paper and unfolds it.)_

OTACON: _(reading the note) _Hal. I still think you're an idiot but you don't have to be me. Live.

_(end of note)_

'Idiot' is the biggest word on the paper.

_(chuckles a bit)_

I guess Dave's never been much of a philosopher.

* * *

A/N: I personally liked the ending to this version better than the story one. It was cleaner, better written. I think it comes from having a better overall idea during the writing process of where I wanted it to go and how I wanted it to conclude this time around. The first version was written as a flow of consciousness almost. Very organic but not very organized. Also, I had a tragic loss of my own to pull from emotionally so it became me expressing some of my own thoughts and feelings through Otacon. I know the chapters got a little short...just hope everyone kept in mind that this is a script which are dramatically leaner with the word count than narratives are. Hope you guys enjoyed it and thanks for reading if you did! -A.M.


End file.
